He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
