I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
