dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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