you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
