I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
