'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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