Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
