Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Someone signed my nipple.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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