Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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