The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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