Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
