My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
