Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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