he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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