i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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