Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
