take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
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The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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