Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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