I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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