I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
