I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
