i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
