I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm at about main and main street
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
