Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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