My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
