Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
