if i can run in heels then i can drive
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
