I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.