My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
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he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo