wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.