Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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