Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
