we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
