The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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