My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Acid is not a monday night drug
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
