shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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