I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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