Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
