who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
