My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
