On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
