i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
