It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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