He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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