she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize