Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
