my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
