Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
