i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
