I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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