you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
