The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
