Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
