i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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