i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
