Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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