Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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