I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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